At the moment a lot of people have time to think about things, and I am certainly one of those. The head of the company where I currently work has said that they’re probably not going to open until late July, so I haven’t even reached the halfway point from when my last shift was to the next probable one. Anyway, one thing that I think about often is the past and how it shaped me to be who I am today, but I realised something in the last few weeks….I think I’m over it.
So before I go any further, a song of course….
So yeah, it has been just shy of two months since the last time I did a shift anywhere and I’ve spent that time doing shopping for my parents, playing video games (I’ve gained two platinum trophies on the PS4 in that time), watching movies (I’m currently trying to review a movie every single day of the lockdown over on my film blog – sorryneverheardofit) and finally, trying to lose the weight I put on in the last few months. The last of those is what I am writing about today, well, loosely anyway.
About a month or so ago I went to my childhood home for the first time since my parents sold it in early 2017. They had lived there all of my life and I had a lot of memories tied up in that place. Their new bungalow is only a few minutes walk for that and so I thought that whilst I am here (I’m staying in Lincoln for the time being to save money I would be otherwise spending on rent in London) it was finally time to go. I got on my bike one Sunday afternoon and went down, seeing the house for the first time in three years.
It was weird. It was my childhood home, but it didn’t feel like it. The exterior had been changed to have black window frames, the plants at the front had been pulled up and other little small things made it finally click in my head that I don’t need the house to remember the good times I had there.
It wasn’t the last time I visited somewhere from my past in the last few weeks, mainly walking past old workplaces on the daily walk, but the biggest piece of growth and moving past my nostalgia came when I got an email saying someone who had tried to log into a hidden Facebook account that I had back around the beginning of 2011 and 2012. To sum up how hidden it was and the last time I logged into it, I only had five friends on there and there profile name still read ‘Nathan’.
Anyway, before I deleted the account I saw someone had sent me a message and I decided to read it. I didn’t reply as it was from seven years ago and that would just be awkward, but then I noticed slightly further down that the final conversation I had with Jodi (known to some of you who were with you I worked with in Portugal as Jane) was still there. She amazingly hadn’t blocked me and I was actually tempted to write her a message.
I don’t think I have really mentioned what happened with her on this blog before and I don’t really want to go fully into it, but she and I were friends from around 2003/4 until March 2012. It would be safe to say that the friendship ended in a verbally volatile manner from both sides and we stopped being friends. It sent me into a bit of a depression and ended with me making the decision to finally transition from male to female. At the time I felt empty for months, but it ended with me making a decision that I am still happy with. Had it not been for the way my friendship with Jodi ended, I’d probably be sat here still male.
So anyway, I sat there thinking about sending the message. There were a lot of things that I would like to say, mainly in a positive sense. I know that may surprise some, but even though it ended bitterly, Jodi was still a close friend (at least from my side) for eight or so years and was there for me a lot, not to forget that she introduced me to an online forum that gave me the confidence to speak my mind. Yep, you have her to blame for that 😛
I decided against it for the simple reason that it wouldn’t have achieved anything and I thought that rather than open up old wounds, it’s best to just move on. This was a great bit of personal growth for me as maybe a year or two ago I would have caved in and sent a message.
Just in case you ever read this, Jodi (I doubt you will, but I could be wrong), thank you for everything.
All of this has lead me to the conclusion that maybe the best way to get over nostalgia is actually to confront it face on. Throw yourself into that situation and see what happens.
So that’s all really. That’s all I wanted to talk about, so will leave it there.