The best laid plans of mice and transwomen

It has been a while since my last blog entry and until recently I didn’t have anything really worth talking about, or at least nothing that I was motivated to write about, but then I started listening to an audiobook version of ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck’. It has transformed my outlook, with one particular chapter being about motivating yourself and setting goals.

That chapter talks about a prolific author who wrote over seventy novels during his life. When he was asked how, he basically said that he just tries to write a minimum of two hundred words a day, often finding himself writing thousands instead as he had got into the habit.

I’m going to use that technique to try and get back into the flow with the book about my transgender journey, aimed at helping transyouth, so I might as well start with a blog entry.

Before I go any further, a song….

So yeah, in my last blog post I talked about hoping to have a cinema role soon to supplement my wages at the full-time job in Islington that I was waiting for a start date on. There has been a bit of good and bad news on that front.

Good: I am happy to report that I got the job in the cinema and moved to London a few days after that blog post, but it hasn’t gone quite to plan.

Bad: Despite being provisionally offered the full-time job more than three months ago, I hadn’t heard anything back, that was until January 8th when the company in question contacted me and confirmed that the deal that I would be specifically working on had fallen through, meaning there was no longer a vacancy for me to fill. I would still love the chance to work for that company as I got on with them very well and even met up with the potential manager for coffee one day, but yeah, in hindsight it does feel like a bit of a waste of time.

The cinema has fortunately been giving me full-time hours, but I don’t want to be full time at a cinema again, at least not in the long term. I’m happy with my 40-50 hours a week at the moment, but yeah, long term I don’t want this.

I worked at Odeon from May 2015 to February 2018, becoming a full-time supervisor halfway through that time, and then I went onto Empire Cinema in High Wycombe, being a supervisor there from June 2018 to March 2019, so I’ve had my fill and have no interest in this being a long term, full-time thing. I am thankful to the cinema for giving me full-time hours for the time being, but cinema life, at least as my main job, isn’t for me anymore.

Fortunately, I have been offered a full-time role at another company, also in Islington, but much like the other, they can’t give me a start date yet due to an internal process not allowing any external recruitment at the moment, but I’ve been guaranteed the role is actually there and that the job is mine, it is just a case of being patient. All of this realistically means that my situation hasn’t actually changed really. I’m still working at a cinema whilst waiting for a start day for another role, but that might also lead to some issues.

During my second interview for the new role, they suggested that under the terms of the contract, I wouldn’t necessarily be allowed to have a second job, which is a bit of a financial blow given I was hoping to have a little more freedom with money.

Away from work interests I’ve been having unusual thoughts recently. I say unusually not because they are dark or dangerous thoughts, but the stuff I’d just never thought about before.

You make a lot of sacrifices being transgender, with Twitter user Katy Montgomerie (just her a follow, she is fascinating and shares a lot of great trans-related tweets and news) regularly retweeting some of the most horrific anti-trans stories to highlight what the trans community goes through, just for wanting to feel like their body matches how they feel. It makes you lose respect for people, with Graham Linehan, one of the writers of the brilliant ‘Father Ted’ being a vocal supporter of anything anti-transgender.

Anyway, I digressed there (I do that often). Basically, when I completed my transition I had just turned 34 and had never really wanted kids, so losing the ability to have any didn’t feel like a sacrifice at the time of my op. Now, fifteen or so months later, I’ve had the thought in my head that I would like to have kids. Granted, I’m not sure the world would need several little versions of me running around, but it’s made me think a lot of opportunities that got sacrificed when I completed my transition.

The opportunity to have kids isn’t entirely gone as I could easily try to adopt, something I am familiar with as I myself am adopted. However, then we get onto the minefield as I don’t think I’d make a good parent anyway. I can barely take care of myself, let alone someone else. It’d be a disaster waiting to happen.

I’m sure this feeling is fleeting and give it a week or so, the thought of having kids would be long gone. As a transgendered individual, you sacrifice a lot, even if you don’t realise it at the time.

So moving onto other subjects, namely football. I’ve been getting into a lot of arguments on Twitter with other Lincoln fans as I don’t think we have the right manager in place. The arguments and persistent ridiculous comments made to/about me have reminded me of one of the main reasons that I stopped going to games regularly all of those years ago, other fans.

Admittedly, I haven’t enjoyed going to games for a long time, not even random games (I live about 2 miles from Leyton Orient and 3 from West Ham and haven’t been to a game at either whilst I have lived in London), but the very fact that I often go to sit in the home ends at away games says it all. We’re playing Southend in a few weeks and I fully intend not to sit with my fellow Lincoln fans. I’d rather find a quiet corner of the home end, sit and enjoy a game, all whilst holding in cheering if we score, which I am quite adept at after years of practice.

I still love my club and want it to succeed, but several experiences over the years, especially after I came out as transgender, just put me off massively. I’m not going to name names, or refer to specific instances, but believe me when I say that it was enough to make me stop going in 2013 after nearly nine years of going to every single home and away game.

Finally, I am hopefully also attending my first Calgary Flames game in March. They are playing teams based in and around New York three times in four days in March, and if my pay is as good as I hope it is this month, I’m going to go. I already have the time off from work, but it will entirely depend on the finances.

Right, I’m going to leave this here. So until next time, peace out (as the kids say),