I know that is a very strange way to start a blog, especially for me as I always try to come up with something funny, or at least insightful.. Infact, to sum-up how lethargic I am at the moment, everything before this particular sentence was written more than half-an-hour ago.
I suppose I should really do my traditional song before I go any further.
Right, now that I have started to get the energy, or at least the motivation to write this blog entry, I wanted to start about my growing displeasure about living here in Portugal. I am currently technically in two recruitment processes. One of them is to be a supervisor at a cinema in Chorley that has yet to be opened, and the other is for a telecoms company. I had my second interview for the latter yesterday and I am mildly confident of getting that. I’m not going to get ahead of myself as I had three interviews for a company in Richmond earlier in the year, was told I was the only person who had three interviews, and yet somehow didn’t get the job. It deflated me, so much so that I ended up accepting the job in Portugal.
Right now, I would take anything to get out of Portugal.
I should clarify that in that I have nothing against Portugal as a place, although the Portuguese are a generally rude group of people from my experience. The reason I want to leave is that I get no motivation at all from my current role. I would rather not get into why for a variety of reasons, two of which being that I still work there and whilst I do, I’d rather not get into trouble, and the other is that I am friends on Facebook from some of the management and they are likely to see this. I want to make it clear that I don’t want to work there, but I’m somewhat uncomfortable leaving without having somewhere else to go first, but it is getting to the point where I am starting to consider making myself unemployed.
I’ve felt demotivated since returning to Portugal from my week back home and spending time with Jess, one of my favourite people in the world. She and I started working at Odeon on the same day and she is one of the few people that I feel a genuine connection with. We don’t see each other often, but when we do, I feel happier. Below is a collection of a few clips from the time I spent with her, and I hope you can all see why I consider her in such esteem. She is pretty much the only person who I always try to see when I go home. She puts a genuine smile on my face and has been great support since the day I met her. She is pretty much the only person I trust with everything, and I guess seeing her so often when I was back has made me miss home even more. I miss being able to just quickly pop down the road and see my friends, whereas now it is a six or seven-hour journey, at best.
But anyway, here is the collection of clips, and yes, I apologise about them being in portrait (they were originally recorded for Instagram).
Onto happier subjects, rather than my meandering sadness about not wanting to be in Portugal now and missing home. Today marks seven years since I had my first appointment (that didn’t get cancelled) by the gender specialist. It has made me think about the entire process again and despite how long the whole process took (just over six years), it was a great time as I slowly became the person I am today. I am very slowly creeping up on the year anniversary since the op (October 11th) and I’m really not sure what to make of it all.
I am still very much unsure what to think of the whole process being completed. I am glad that it is over, but I feel a bit empty as I still don’t have a life goal. I’m always one of those people who is goal orientated. I need something to pursue, for nearly a year I haven’t had anything like that. Getting to the transition consumed the first twenty-seven years of my life, then the next six and a bit I was transitioning, which filled my mind……and now, nothing. What do I have to focus on? I thought it would come naturally, but it really isn’t.
I’ve been trying to get ideas by following a lot of transgender-related accounts on Twitter, and I have felt quite useful answering questions, so maybe that is a route to go down, professionally helping transgender youth. I have been considering signing up to an Open University course, originally considering astronomy, but earlier I was looking at psychology. I probably won’t do either, or any for that matter.
Hopefully, my next post will be me getting all excited about getting the job in London, but we’ll see.
Until next time, peace.