Since I had my operation I think I’ve been fairly open about the less than pleasant parts about changing gender that you never hear or read about, but then I never thought that after ten weeks and three days I would still have a very distinct lack of fulfilment.
Before I go any further, yep, you’ve guessed it, a song…..
I don’t want people to read that opening paragraph and think that I regret having the operation. I really don’t. I just thought there would be more to it afterwards emotionally. I’ve always considered myself different to other transgendered people, with me not having much in common with them, but even then I thought that the moment I saw the vagina for the first time would be the time when I felt the same as others. Even for the briefest moment I would join that collective, all before going off and doing my own thing again. I’ve seen videos online of people who see their vagina for the first time after the op and they’re overcome with emotions. I’m 74 days post-op and I’ve still yet to have that reaction. Don’t get me wrong, there was a definitely “woah” and “holy shit”, but certainly not an overwhelming about of joy. I can’t get over the feeling that not only will I never feel fulfilled by it, but the worry that I’ll never get out of the state of feeling lost.
In a blog post called “so, what now?” I spoke about not knowing what to do now I have nothing to work towards. It’s a lonely thought and one that I can’t shake. I spoke to three very wise friends midweek who all said it is probably just my brain trying to adjust to the idea that I’ve achieved something I have been focused on for so long, my entire life infact. Before my op I had spent 34 years and 29 days obsessed with the idea of becoming female, there was the odd day here and there where I was conflicted about it, but they were very few and extremely far between, and often nothing more than a fleeting thought. When you’ve been obsessed with a goal for so long, achieving it leaves a huge gap, especially if like me you didn’t think of what to do next.
It is getting to the point where I am tempted to use my already booked flights to America in February (for a holiday I can no longer go on) to simply go out there and not come back until I have found myself, or at least something to work towards. I’d love to travel the world, but I’m now in my mid 30s and I view that as very much a young-person’s game. I don’t have the energy or finances to do such a thing, but maybe that is the next thing that I can save for.
All of this probably hasn’t been helped by the fact I have been off work since early November (after that failed attempt to go back just a few weeks post-surgery), and the lack of something to occupy me has left me thinking….like, a lot. I’m a terrible overthinker anyway, so 74 days (minus the five days I went back) with my overthinking hasn’t helped. I never thought I’d be saying it but I really want to go back to work. Thankfully that is less than two weeks away now, assuming the GP gives me the fit note.
During all of this time off from work I have been reassessing what I want in life and I am drawing a complete blank. It has left me feeling really down. It was great being able to achieve a life goal at what is still a relatively young age (my follow up appointment was with five others who had the surgery in the same week as me, more on that follow up in a bit, and I was the youngest by a solid fifteen years), but the problem was that it consumed me so much that I failed to really think about what to do afterwards. Don’t get me wrong, I do not regret it at all, but on the flip side I don’t feel fulfilled either. I’ve completed a life goal and yet it doesn’t feel like the huge achievement that it should do. It feels like just another thing that happened in my life, rather than arguably the biggest to this point.
I’m sure it will all work out, and they did say that I would have mixed emotions during the first few months after my op…..although I’m still waiting for that mix as it has been pretty much one way traffic so far.
Anyway, I mentioned above that I went to see my surgeon for the two month follow up and he was relatively pleased with how the surgery had turned out, but not to so much with that I hadn’t stimulated the clitoris, which is something that most male-to-female patients do pretty quickly, especially within the first two months, and no word of a lie, my surgeon, a man who is in his 50s (I think), who countless medical qualifications, actively encouraged me to go into a sex shop and buy a vibrator. Even now, almost two weeks later, I am lost for words. For the record, I have yet to venture into said shops.
Other than that there isn’t a lot to write about really. I hopefully return to work on the 4th and will have something more optimistic to write about by that point (I am planning one more post before the new year).
Happy annual Pagan ritual and calendar replacement day 🙂