Six weeks (and a day) later : Love and Pain!

So yesterday was six weeks since I had my operation and to say it has been an eye opening experience would be an understatement. It has been 43 days of learning how to do basic things again, but one thing that has also happened is that I have all of the time in the world on my hands all of a sudden, and that’s not necessarily a good thing.

As usual, a song…..

I am definitely a restless person, I don’t like having nothing to do, so all of a sudden having all of this time is doing my head in. It feels different to when I have been unemployed in the past as I do still have a job and am not stressing about stuff. I’ve tried to fill my time watching films, but that is often quite tedious.

Then again, my body is still at least another two weeks away from being able to do anything that could best be described as “overly physical”. This has started causing a bit of an issue as I’m starting to put back on all of the weight I lost to get to surgery weight. Not only did I have a gym membership, but I got a lot of exercise in through the three mile round trip to work and the amount of walking I did whilst there. Now I have none of that (not allowed to properly exercise and not at work), the pounds are slowly going back on. It’s not at the point where it isn’t recoverable and I’m still a stone lower than I have spent most of my adult life, and four lighter than what I started the year at, but hopefully I’ll be able to do regular exercise again soon.

I’ve still got slight signs of an infection, which definitely doesn’t help, but even worse I can feel the dissoluble stitches that were deep inside (for lack of better words) gradually forcing their way out, and that is quite painful. It’s not a permanent pain, but it is certainly noticeable, especially when I am sat still for extended periods of time.

But anyway, onto happier subjects, well, sort of. I started feeling a bit lonely recently so joined a dating app for transgendered people. I am not overly that fussed about love, but I’m 34 and have never really had a relationship, or at least a meaningful one, so it would be nice to have one at some point, so that caused me to join that app and what I was greeted with was a reminder of why I didn’t like using them. Whether it was people messaging me without reading my profile (so asking me where I am from, even though my profile location said “England” and I specifically said “England” in my bio), or those who seemed to need validation, none of the conversations I had were stimulating. There were those on there who just wanted long distance friendships (the amount of messages that I got from people in India was ridiculous) and there were others who only seemed to care about getting followers on their Instagram, either way it felt like a waste of time. There was a very distinct lack of appeal after a while, so after five days I just deleted the app and thought “fuck it”.

All of this wasn’t helped by reading old emails from the person I’ve probably been the closest to in my life, a girl I will simply refer to as MH. Those of you who have been friends with for a while will know exactly who I am on about and how much of an impact she had on me. Maybe I am unconsciously comparing every potential love-interest to her, but it would certainly help if I knew exactly what I wanted.

I think this is the problem, I’m still trying to figure out what I want, and more importantly who I am. I know some out there will say that I am really no different at all to how I was 44 days ago, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Other than the obvious change, I’m far more conscious about everything and every decision I make. I’m sure that is just part of the recovery process (the uncertainty), so hopefully that will improve as time goes on. One thing I am definitely sure of though, I have had a vagina for 43 days and still haven’t once thought about being with a guy. I am still very much into girls, so I suppose that makes me a lesbian, which is a very odd sentence for me to write given that it still doesn’t feel that the operation has happened, even though I know and can see it has.

So that’s it, I’m going to leave that there and we’ll see what the next few weeks brings. I am hoping to have some very exciting news in the next week or two, so will unveil that if it comes to be.

Until next time,

Be excellent to each other.

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