So recently I wrote a blog entry about having finally completed my transition from male to female, and specifically covering my time at the hospital. In that article I posted a variety of unusual thoughts that I felt throughout my time there, with the most wide open being “what do I do now?”. Everyone has a life goal, but how often do you hear of what happens after someone completes it.
I suppose I should start the entry in the traditional way……with a song…..
So for the cliff-notes version of what I’m talking about, I am 34 years old and spent my entire life wanting to be female. I initially came out to friends when I was 16 but then went back into hiding, came out again at age 27 and finally had the op just a month after my 34th birthday. It was a goal that I had worked towards for my entire life, whether it be from when I bought my first clothes by pretending they were for a girlfriend, or that big move to go to a doctor for the first time, every thing big or small had the end goal in mind. That goal has now been achieved.
I am going to admit that I feel somewhat lost at the moment. I am happy with what I have done, but I can’t get over the feeling that for the next 40 or 50 years of my life, I have nothing currently to work for. This operation and becoming female has consumed my life up until eleven days ago. It distracted me when going through bad days at work, it gave me something financially to work towards and also encouraged me to lose weight, but as of right now I feel empty and without a purpose to work towards.
I’d love to go travelling and see the world, but I can’t afford to take a year out of work in order to do it. Maybe it will be something I can do later on in life when I eventually retire, but I still want to be relatively young when I do it because as the saying goes “youth is wasted on the young”.
Maybe the mini-slump is because as I’m still only in the second week of three off from work (two weeks ago tonight was my last shift and I’m due back next Wednesday) and I have nothing to distract me. Officially I am housebound at the moment so am not technically allowed to leave the house until next week. I’m not actually in pain, except for when dilating, which is great considering how big the operation was.
Those who know me well, will know I hate not having goals to work towards, so hopefully soon I will be able to update this blog with the next one, but maybe for now I should just sit back and mentally relax for a while.