Six years, two months and twelve days is what it has been in reality, but it feels so much more, and yet the next twenty-eight days will feel longer than that ever did. On July 2nd 2012 I came out as transgender to friends, family and co-workers at the age of 27, now, having just turned 34, it feels almost strange that in four weeks my transition will be over, and my seeming never ending journey from male to female will finally be at an end.
So firstly, as per my own tradition, a song……
Coming out was a lot of things, it was the scariest moment of my life, yet the most fulfilling and freedom-giving. A few friends knew at that point, but other than that it was a closely guarded secret and at the time it didn’t feel real, and now I face that exact same situation again as on October 11th, assuming there are no hiccups or unforeseen circumstances change, I will have my surgery to complete my journey from one gender to the other. I feel as overwhelmed now as I did on that day when my gender dysphoria became public knowledge, and the same feeling of everything not feeling real remains.
Every day I wake up one day closer to it all being over, and yet it often feels so far away. I’ve spent the last six years living each day knowing that I am potentially just hours away from being abused by people on the street, or meeting someone who doesn’t know how to react when they see that I am transgender. Over the last six years I have seen the “deer in headlights” look more times that I care to recall, especially at job interviews at which I have known before I have even said anything that I am not going to get those jobs. Living with that sort of thing at the back of your head is quite unnerving, unsettling and downright terrifying at times…..and yet we move forward.
The strange aspect of all of this is that I know that no matter how terrifying it is, no matter how many times I have questioned myself over the past six years about whether I am doing the right thing, or indeed whether I will regret it afterwards (which I am sure that I won’t), the thought of living my entire life as I was is far darker than anything that could happen after October 11th, or at least I hope. I know that must sound strange to those who aren’t transgender, but those who are also on the same path as myself will feel exactly the same.
Being born with gender dysphoria is something that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. You’re constantly at odds with how society thinks you should be, and more importantly constantly fighting against your own body. Every day is a battle, and even now I go through the average twenty-four hours with thousands of conflicting thoughts going through my head in relation to the whole thing. The way I know that I am sure though is that no matter what, not once during the last six years have I regretted my decision to begin this process.
October 11th will be a strange day in my life, and hopefully it will be worth all that has lead to this point, both before and after coming out. For all of those who knew me before hand and I’m no longer friends with, such as Maz, Jodi and a variety of others, I thank you (even though I doubt you’ll ever read this) for helping me build up the strength to reach this point. To all of those who have stuck with me to this point, especially those who knew me back when I was a hairy guy called Nathan, thank you. Your support has been incredible up until this point and whilst I don’t often talk about the subject of changing gender in person, if you ever want to know something then simply ask.
So yeah, to finish off below are all of the VLOGs I produced on the subject, right from the day where I came out to last year (the last time I did one), it’s interesting to see how much I’ve changed in that time and you can definitely see how my weight fluctuates, especially as I appear huge in the third video.