So it’s been a while since my last post on here and the reason for that is that there isn’t really anything to write about. I’m still in that weird position of being inbetween genders and not able to afford the operation, living in a city that I’m not overly fond of and having precisely nothing exciting gone on in my life. I’m 32 and I am the most boring person I know.
As per tradition for my blogs, here is a song to start stuff off with….
So I suppose it’s appropriate to start with what I blog about the most, changing gender. I got approved for my surgery last year and have gone through a lot of hair removal sessions since then, as well as losing a hefty amount of weight, but I can’t really get excited about the final operation as I’m nowhere near having the necessary finances, and I could probably sit here in three years and say the exact same thing.
I’ve always been terrible at spending money, but in recent months I’ve managed to shave off some expenditure. I no longer have a car so don’t have to worry about tax or insurance, which in total is about £80 saved. I also finished paying off my laptop, so that’s £45 a month I get back to myself. Vitally I’ve also reduced my rent by moving to a smaller place, but equally as important I can now walk into work rather than having to rely on public transport. Overall I’ve probably reduced my outgoings in terms of direct debit by at least £200.
Despite all of that though, I feel somehow unable to save money and whilst I’m not worried about going to a machine at any point and seeing “Not Authorised”, I don’t think I’m capable of saving money as I’m a terrible impulse buyer, so for the time being I am trying to save without actually being optimistic that I’ll be able to have the operation any time soon.
So right now I’m in an awkward position bodywise as other than the obvious, my body has progressed to the point where hormones don’t impact it anymore other than blocking testosterone. My body has effectively gone through a female puberty over the last few years, and much like someone who was born female, my body will only go so far during this period before changing stop. Even after more than four years on hormones it is still really weird looking down and seeing both breasts and a penis.
Hair removal is still continuing, albeit slowly. Hair removal from the torso and genitals is still ridiculously painful, so much that I effectively get tourettes whilst it’s going ahead. The receptionist at the clinic I go to counted me shouting the word “fuck” fifty-seven times in an hour. It’s a good thing that they don’t have a swear jar really. Some of my facial hair has come back as well, just the odd hair here and there, but that’s frustrating as hell.
I have become increasingly aware recently that I really don’t suit having hair tied back, and at times I feel really self-conscious about how I look, which is really strange for me. Maybe the pressure of people expecting me to be a certain way just because I want to be female is getting to me. Maybe when I’ve had the final operation I’ll save up for facial surgery. I think I described myself in my head earlier as a “lethargic transsexual”, I’m changing gender but am too lazy to put any effort in, maybe having a female face would help this as I just look ridiculous when I put make up on at the moment, which is why I don’t do it often.
Away from changing gender, I’m still living in London. I’m not a particular fan of living in London and more to the point, Londoners. It’s a city still of some of the rudest people that I’ve ever met in my life. I thought I was rude but I’m a pure novice compared to some in the capital. The term “rat-race” definitely applies. Trying to catch a bus in London? It doesn’t matter how long you’ve waited, someone who has waited only a few seconds will push to the front of the queue. That sums up a hefty portion of folk from London.
Unfortunately I think it’s changing me as a person as well because I’m starting to get angry on a regular basis. I used to have a real anger management problem, as some of my colleagues from Vodafone would tell you, and it is something that I have worked really hard on in recent years, but have found myself reverting in the last six or so months. I’d like to think that I’m a fairly laid back person most of the time, but London is bringing out the worst in me. I feel like I have be guarded around everyone, and I really don’t like that.
As I write this I’m in the middle of two weeks off from work and am spending it in my home city of Lincoln. The difference is exceptional. I always thought some of the people in Lincoln were rude, but we’re relative rookies compared to a lot London’s residents.
That’s about it, that’s as exciting as my life has been for the last few months. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to leave London in the near future and I do have some internal interviews lined up around the UK for the cinema chain I currently work in, but for right now it’s hard to get enthusiastic.
Oh well, until next time.