Back in March I had my future planned out. I was in two jobs that I loved, I had just been approved for the final operation in my transgender journey, and life was generally good. Did you notice the constant use of past tense in that sentence?
Let’s put this this way, the last five months of my life have been a bit shit, hence why I have not blogged at all, but before I get into why, as per the tradition on my site here is a song…..
For those that come to my site purely for transgender news (I see the links from the transgender site and thank you for taking the time to read 🙂 ), please go to the bit below the picture of me and two guys.
So yeah, to start this latest update I’m going to travel all of the way back to April 4th. I had made what I thought was a solid start to my life as a Project Co-ordinator for a Wakefield based telecoms provider. Even though I found their office less than professional, I was still pretty happy and early on in the morning I had found out that I had been awarded the company’s Employee of the Month for March. In less than eight months at the company I had gained a promotion and won the Employee of the Month….but all of that came to a screeching halt when, at 5pm on the aforementioned date, I was told that I my contract wasn’t going to be made permanent and thus my employment there ended. I had been thinking about leaving anyway, but I was genuinely shocked that it got to the point where I got Employee of the Month and a P45 on the same day.
Fortunately my secondary role gave me a lot of hours so I wasn’t out of pocket at all, well, not majorly anyway, but I will admit that I was, and still am, quite bitter about the entire thing. I think it’s because I had got very emotionally engaged with the company, but looking back on it it was almost a case where I felt brainwashed looking back at it, and it was only afterwards that I realised the numerous flaws with the company, such as the Project Manager using our weekly catch-up meetings as a chance for her to catch up on work, whereas the whole point on having the meetings was to help me develop and cover any issues. Looking back on it, she had no intention of helping anyone other than herself in the office.
But anyway, that’s in the past.
Since then I have actually moved. I still live in Leeds but now live in a cheaper house that has a stunning view (below). I got on really well with the housemates at first, although I have since become increasingly unimpressed with them as one of them is one of those “woe is me” types that accused the previous tenant of stealing the house TV a few weeks after she moved in, and various other things, but it’s hard for someone to actually steal their own TV. Yep, that’s right, she reported someone to the landlords and ranted for weeks about someone removing something from the house that he actually owned.
The other housemate basically wants to fuck the girl. It’s so blatantly obvious it’s funny. I once opened the front door and heard him open his door and practically run as fast as he could down the stairs because he thought it was her. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had a life size poster of her on his door and he masturbated to it each night. The reason I think this is because of his obsession with her, the odd noises that come from his room and the fact that when we did get along, he left his computer in the front room for us to watch TV on and whilst using Media Player, he had a LOT of porn in his “recently watched” list that popped up when putting the DVD in.
Finding full time, permanent work hasn’t been that easy, infact it’s been bloody difficult. I must have attended at least 50 interviews in the period of April to June but was unsuccessful in each, even though I reached the second stage in some of them. I think it was made worse when at a few of them I was interviewed by people that I actually know and even then I couldn’t get the role.
It’s been a hard ride and finances have taken a massive hit, even though I have three jobs at the moment. As well as working at the cinema, I now also work at a local football team (but not for much longer) and a finance company, but the contract at that finance company ends in just over two weeks, and I don’t know yet if it’s going to get renewed. I’m easily being targets set, but I don’t have a lot of luck with these things. I’m trying to get in as many hours as I can and I write this on September 11th, I turn 32 tomorrow and I am spending my birthday with a twelve hour shift at the finance company. Exciting times.
Fortunately the cinema I work at are very good with me, even if I am difficult at times. I lose my cool quite often and I find myself getting unnecessarily stressed out, which is summed up by how strange it is by a trip I made back to Lincoln a few weeks ago. I worked for the same chain in Lincoln and when I mentioned about how stressed out I get, they were all genuinely surprised as I never got angry in the six/seven months that I worked in the other branch.
I have started my path towards being a manager in the cinema chain and during that three month gap three of us were chosen for development, which included a trip to another cinema in the chain in order to learn how to work the digital projection systems, which was cool. I’ve worked with a lot of people at my currently branch of the chain I work for, and these two (pictured below with me) are by far my favourite people that I have worked with. One has now moved to Canada and the other is never shifted on at the same time I am, so I rarely see or talk to either of them anymore, which is a big shame as I have arguably never been happier at the chain I work at than the few weeks in which the three of us were regularly sent on trips together.
So yeah, onto transgender related issues.
I mentioned above that I was approved for the final operation and about a week after that meeting I contacted the surgeon I would like to go with. He’s based in Brighton and although there were far more interesting places that offer the surgery (such as one in Montreal, Thailand obviously), I figure that is the easiest, plus the fact that the money I pay covers everything, including any subsequent follow ups if anything goes wrong. It’s actually remarkable good value for money. After going through all of the information, I was told that I need to fulfill two criteria;
- Have all genital hair removed
- Have a maximum BMI of 29
With the genital hair removal, I started that about six weeks ago and have had two sessions since in which I have also had my torso (collar bone to waist) done at the same time, and I can’t put this in any way that isn’t blunt. Genital hair removal is the most painful thing that I have ever been through. I have been kicked in the testicles numerous times, have the ligament in my left ankle tear off of the bone, been ran over and been burnt so badly there was a hole through my finger, but nothing came close to what I felt when having my pubic hair obliterated. I thought that the bit between my nose and mouth was painful, but it’s nothing compared to genital hair removal.
In terms of weight loss I am actually doing relatively well. I got told that I needed a maximum BMI of 29 when I weighed about 19 stone 6 ( 272 pounds for those who don’t use stones), and now, about six weeks after joining the gym, I weigh roughly 17 stone 10 (248 pounds), a loss of 24 pounds. There is still a long way to go. My BMI is currently 34.6. I still need to lose another 38 pounds before I can even start thinking about surgery because they won’t operate until I reach that weight, because, and I quote, “you won’t want a fat vagina”.
I have also started experimenting a bit more with make up and more importantly, my eyebrows. A few months ago I realised that my eyebrows were a bit weird, so I bought myself eyebrow stencils. It’s safe to say that it didn’t go brilliantly at the first attempt, as you can tell from the image below.
I’ve now gotten to the point where hormones are no longer changing my body. I was told when I got them that they would stop changing my body naturally after a certain period. I’ve reached the end of the development brought on by what is effectively a second puberty, and without revealing what size my breasts have grown to, I am very happy. I’m not going to lie, it does still seem very strange when I look down and see two mounds on my chest. I am considering getting breast augmentation (or in more basic terms, a boob job) after my surgery, but I think if I was going to have more than I would need to go over my face.
Even though my face has changed a bit over the last few years, it is still pretty obvious that I was born male, and I want to actually look like a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to have enough surgery that it would make me look ridiculous, but just enough that it’s not obvious that I was born male. It’s one of those things that when I have had my surgery I intend on going on a beach holiday somewhere and wear a bikini that reveals the full extent of the changes, but it won’t mean as much if my face still looks male.
I’m not even a particularly vain person, I just want to get to that point where I am not called by male descriptive terms (he, him, his, etc) by strangers (and it’s not done maliciously just to confirm). Although it doesn’t overly bother me and I have ultimately only doing this whole thing for myself, it would just be nice to not have to worry about it.
But anyway, I’m going to leave that there. I’m hoping to start blogging a lot more in the coming months and then, if everything goes to plan and the bank approves a loan (I have no chances of saving the money) then I am hoping to have at least had the initial consultation with the surgeons and to get everything booked in.
Thanks again for reading.