In March 2012 I made a decision that changed the rest of my life. From that day forward I promised to do what I needed to do to be happy in my life and the biggest aspect of that was to change gender. I had spent my entire life wanting to be female and had successfully hid that from so many people at that time, and deciding to “come out” to people was arguably the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
I can’t quite put into words just how nerve wracking it was on that first walk to work as Kate in July 2012, not to mention all of the looks I got from people there that didn’t know in advance that I was going to transition. I was there in my dodgy black wig, exceptionally uncomfortable high heels and probably more make-up than a drag queen would wear at one of their shows. I was so nervous that I couldn’t even pluck up the courage to walk to the canteen to get a drink of Pepsi Max.
Skip forward three years and I am now closing in on what might be the meeting where my gender specialist confirms that I am ready for the final op. He advised me when I started that they would start considering me for surgery when I had been on hormones for three years and whilst that isn’t up until December, I get the feeling that this meeting will be the one where the final stages of the change take place.
Not that I could afford the final operation at the moment. I’m not sure how much it will cost but either way I am well into my overdraft at the moment and whilst I am taking steps to get out of that as quickly as possible, including having two jobs, I’m not anticipating to be in the financial position to actually have the op for at least another six months, depending on how much it costs.
I must admit though that it’s not the cost that worries me, it’s the element of being at the point of no return. Granted, I’ve been on hormones for so long now that I will probably never be a fully functioning male again even if I wanted to be one, but the thought of having the operation is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to have nothing between my legs.
Then again, I said the same about having breasts and now, looking down at them, it seems like almost an alien thought that my chest was flat up until early-mid 2013…..well, ignoring the fat.
Granted, it might be completely pointless worrying about all of this at the moment as it might be a long time before I get approval from my doctor for the final operation, but it’s something that I do need to start thinking of.
In many ways I just want it over with and as soon as it is and I have adapted to being female, I’m going to start looking for a relationship. I’m 31 in less than three weeks and I’ve never had a serious relationship, or indeed one that lasted for longer than two weeks. I’m not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself, but it would be nice to have someone in my life like that for a change.
Either way, regardless of whether I love life as a woman or end up completely hating it, at least I can say that I didn’t spend my life saying “what if?”
This last bit leads me onto a song to end this blog entry…..