At 30 years old I am in a phase of transition in my life. The other day I realised how much stuff that I used to love in my 20s is now pretty much meaningless to me, and there are many reasons why this could be. It could that maybe I’m maturing with age, it could just possibly be that my tastes are rapidly changing, or it could simply be the hormones taking effect on my brain.
Oh well, about that, if you’ve not read my blog before, or had no interactions with me whatsoever, you probably won’t know that I am in the process of changing gender from male to female. I was 27 when I came out to the majority of my friends and family, and roughly five months later in December 2012, aged 28 now, I started hormone therapy to start transitioning.
I didn’t notice until the other day when I was making sure that I looked ok through my phone (I don’t have any mirrors in my bedroom) that I noticed how much I had changed in terms of appearance since I started living full time as a woman on July 2012. You only have to compare a picture of me from when I was still Nathan to what I look like now to see a considerable difference.
Next Saturday marks 28 months on hormones and a lot has changed in that time, especially my face. On the left is how I looked in what I was believe was 2011 (given that I only ever wore that Rammstein shirt about 4 times before losing it in Barcelona) and on the right is how I looked on Thursday morning.
It was only then that I realised that I had been on hormones for 28 months and the even scarier realisation that my doctor said that assuming everything went well, he would approve me for surgery after three years of being on hormone therapy, meaning that in theory, I’m only eight months away from completing the transition.
Ever since Thursday the thought of the final surgery has filled my head and it fills me both with joy and terror at the same time. I love the thought of it all finally being over and being able to finally live the life that I have wanted since I was around 5 or 6 years old, give or take.
Once that operation is over, it will put an end to more than 30 years of being frustrated and I’ve been looking forward to this for my entire life and it’s going to be an awesome feeling.
On the other hand though, I am equally as terrified. Despite it being something that I want to do, and have wanted to do for most of my 30 years on this planet, the thought is always in the back of my mind of “what if I don’t like it?” In that situation I am fucked. Once a fully functioning penis is gone, it’s gone for good. Even if I did, for whatever reason, transition back to being male, I could never be a fully functioning male again.
It’s not that at this stage I have any plans to change back at all and I’m sure it will all work out fine, but until it’s all over, I think that fear is always going to be in my head. I can’t imagine how weird it’s going to feel when it’s over. In many ways I liken to it to how I was before I came out to everyone and afterwards.
As I mentioned earlier, I was 27 when I announced to everyone that I was going to change gender and I had only made my mind up that it was definitely going to go ahead about 2 months earlier. Up until that point it never felt real to me, it was always something I could back out of if I didn’t feel comfortable with it, but telling everyone made it feel so incredibly real, and that’s the same situation I am in now.
28 months ago, when I started on hormone treatment, everything still seemed so far away and again, it didn’t feel real for the longest time, however, now I’m in the home straight, for lack of better words, and it feels almost like when I made the decision a few years ago to come out to people, it’s starting to feel real. Something that a few years ago felt so far away could now, in theory, happen before the end of this calendar year.
Sometimes the best things to do in life are the scariest.
I’m going to leave you with a song….