As I write this I’m not entirely sure where I’m going to go with this blog entry, it could end up as something completely different to what I am intending now, but we’ll see where we go.
Firstly, a song that sums up the last 13 years of my life
I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that there are a lot of things I regret in my life but there were a few HUGE demons in my life. For those who remember me before I was Kate, me coming out as transsexual back in July 2012 would probably have been extremely shocking because despite being a bit of a dick, I was seemingly remarkably open about my life, what happened and where I was going. I was good at hiding things. Even some of my closest friends were surprised.
However, much like my desire to become female, I also had trouble battling demons from my past. Much like my plans to change sex, most of my personal demons remained pretty much with me and bottled up for far longer than is healthy, and before I started becoming Kate I had amassed a large amount of demons, almost as if I’d emptied the lot of them from hell and stuffed them into my head.
I think I did a relatively good job of throwing people off for the most part. At times I felt lost and crippled by the demons and I found myself developing misanthropy and becoming detached from the human condition. I likened it to the emotions and thoughts of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, minus the desire to kill people of course..
“But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable… I simply am not there.”
I thought at the time that most of my demons were simply down to wanting to be female and trying to hide it was too much to cope with. I struggled for quote a few years, keeping it all bottled up. But even after I announced to everyone that I was going to go through a sex change, the demons remained.
It was about five months into changing gender that I realised that some demons just weren’t going away, so I decided that I would try my best to rid them as best I could. Some were more difficult that others, I regained a strong friendship with some people, I got over what happened with Jodi earlier in that year and made an effort to keep in contact with my mother, who gave me up for adoption at the age of 4 weeks old (she contacted me about three days before I came out to everyone), but the one demon that always managed to allude me and make me feel low, and was what had happened with a girl who will remain nameless, the reason of which will become apparent later.
I had first met this person when I was about 17, give or take, and she became the most important thing in my life. She was the one person who I’ve ever had in my life that I have ever thought that I could end up spending the rest of my life with, and to put into context what she meant to me, she knew from pretty early on in our friendship that I wanted to be female, and I always said that had she asked me not to do it, I wouldn’t have done it. She was the only person who I made that offer to and meant it.
Despite everything from the outside looking rosey, looking back I treated her like shit and I am ashamed of myself for half the stuff I said to her. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t derogatory or the way a wife-beater talks to his wife, but I am still ashamed of what I said to her throughout the course of our friendship. I’m sure it didn’t do her any good and it didn’t do me any good at all, and in New Years Eve in 2009, I decided to pretty much end the friendship there and then.
Soon afterwards our friendship just went, we didn’t even talk anymore and other than one small email exchange in mid-2011, we didn’t speak at all from 2010 until earlier this week.
I didn’t know how this person’s life had gone since we last spoke, I literally knew nothing about her anymore, not even if she was alive, but I wanted to let her know how truly sorry I was for what I said to her and I sent her an email apologising, it was more in hope than expectation really. I did however get a reply.
I’m not sure how she felt about me emailing her because she didn’t really mention it, but it seemed like a great chance for her to exercise a pain in her life as well as I had talked about her on a previous blog of mine in a less than flattering way and she wanted me to get rid of it, or at least remove her name so that no-one could associate the blog with her (hence why I haven’t mentioned her name in this blog).
Fortunately though she did accept my apology and the moment I read that, I felt free, my last demon was gone and it was an awesome feeling. I had wanted for so long to tell her how sorry I was and how guilty I felt about how badly I had treated her, and to hear (well, read) her say that she forgave me was closure.
Anyway, the conversation went on from there for a few more emails and by the end of it we agreed that it was in both of our best interests to go our separate ways. We ended it on pretty amicable terms and we both got what we wanted out of the conversation, so I think we both went away happy and for me it was great because it was the last demon holding me back.
Whether we’ll ever be friends or even talk again is impossible to predict. I would like the chance to become friends again but I think in some ways there are just some old friendships that can’t be recovered, no matter what. As Jodi once said to me, “It is was it is” and she is entirely right. Why try and change something that can’t be changed? Why try and force something that if it is forced, will only cause more resentment?
I’m going to end this entry with a quote that she mentioned in her final email that I liked : “Life is a blank canvas and you have the paintbrush. Don’t keep repeating the same past squiggle with it but rather paint the future. ”
Or, if you prefer a more nerdy version : “The future is not set. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.”